Well, it's day 1. Why today? What really makes me want to do this? Do I have the time? - My husband would say absolutely not! I work full time away, have an hour commute each way - 3 days a week, I randomly travel for work, I am training for a marathon AGAIN, and yes - did I mention - I have boy/girl four and a half year old twins that are the loves of my life?!? Well they are. I love them more than anything in life....for sure... and more than anything, I love sitting down and teaching them so many new and interesting concepts and life lessons. They are at such a wonderful age that I want to soak up every moment and as I tell them, and yes - they do repeat this, "Mommy, I will stay 4 forever for you!"... Ahh....how perfect is THAT?
Anyway, I have friends who stay at home and are perfectly content with managing their homes and children's lives 24/7. I admire them and at times - have EXTREME jealousy for their seemingly Utopian lifestyles. From my world peeking in, I imagine:
1. Daddy gets off the train
2. Mommy has house clean and kids well behaved waiting at the dinner table with a wonderful pot roast fresh out of the oven
3. Wonderful dinner dialogue about daddy's day at work and the mommy's day taking the kids to preschool, long naps, and craft projects together.
4. Kids in bed and bathed by 8:00pm.
Now don't get me wrong, I KNOW my friends' homes are not like this. But there are many days when geez....I'm just so exhausted/tired/fried that I ride the train home to my family and as I get off and see a nice family picking up their daddy from the train, this is the image and scenario that I imagine I'm missing out on...and then extreme jealousy takes over.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE MY JOB. To be honest, that is why it makes this whole situation so terribly difficult. There are times when I wish I could just quit my job because I hate it or because my boss did me wrong. But, that's actually the total opposite scenario. I am able to work from home two days a week and I truly love what I am doing. The job is extremely challenging and low stress at the same time. We also have had the same nanny since the twins were 4 months old and she treats them as her own. But at the end of the day - as much as I love it - the "mother hen" in me feels I should be staying home daily, cleaning, carting them around, and just being happy being home with my kids.
So, at times, I have those days. Days when I have to take off to run my son to his asthma doctor or take a random vacation day to visit my kids' preschool teachers for parent-teacher conferences. I am home with my kids and then I start thinking - about work! I am a self-described crackberry addict. No doubt....it drives my husband crazy. I find myself having those days when I am able to act like a 'stay-at-home mom' and then --- I long for the adult conversation and technical stimuli for my brain, that my field of structural engineering seems to eagerly satisfy. What is wrong with me?
Sometimes I blame working on 'well, financially, we can't afford it'. Yeah - well - BS. We both know we could easily manage me staying home (except the vacation/college fund/eating out funds would quickly be distant memories). These constant internal battles seemed very persistent right after the twins birth...but I assumed it would be better by now. Well - guess again. Now I realize I'm feeling like the 'bad mom' because of silly random reasons - I can't take them to tennis on Mondays at 4:00, I can't take them to Zumba on Tuesdays...and the basics - I can't drop them up and pick them up from preschool EVERY DAY. I wouldn't even be allowed to stay at any of these events....but somehow I imagine - that's what moms DO. That's what my mom always DID. Shouldn't I?
I plan to use this blog to write daily - ideally - to help me and others understand that: working is ok, being a working MOM is ok, and I'm not a bad mom by choosing to work. Really - to some of you this may seem like simple statements, but to me, they are far from it. And here goes my journey.
Some of my struggles have included:
- twins born to prematurity
- premie health battles
- two working parents
- using running as an outlet to keep me sane and a good wife and mother
- being a technical manager in the corporate world that requires managing individuals in multiple time zones and frequent out of town work trips.
- being a good friend to all my working moms and stay-at-home mom friends
- finding time for my brother and parents - from a 3+ hour distance away
- choosing to follow my career and moving away from my home town where EVERYONE lives
- spending adequate time daily to educate and nurture my children appropriately
- managing a home/bills/nanny schedule along with all of our schedules
- being a good wife that still has time for us after nearly 9 1/2 years of marriage.
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