But well - sometimes she can't resist. Sometimes something so amazing/crazy/captivating is happening before he very eyes, that she really CAN'T hold it in any longer....and then ---- she says IT. What is IT? - well, it's the most inappropriate comment you could ever imagine. IT is the comment that makes all parties stop, turn, gasp - heck, even the buzzing of the flourescent lights above ceases to make noise and the birds in the air stop flapping their wings. IT is the worst thing a parent could imagine - as their child is old enough and SHOULD be using an internal thought/speech filter by now - but just hasn't perfected yet.
IT - happened to us 7 days ago.
We were at a little grocery store by our house called 'Walt's'. In comparison - it's not the mega
stores of today....but a bigger version of 'Mizera's', where I grew up. You see many of the same people there every time you're there - as if they grocery stop daily for their food - and make the trip to Walt's their daily adventure. I remember people like that in Raymond. I'd ride my bike to the store at night to get a gallon of milk or loaf of bread for my mom....and all the familiar faces would be there. When I was 10, I would walk from my dad's work, 'The Barn', to Mizera's and buy my Grandpa Bob a pack of cigarettes. I had enough quarters to buy the pack for him - and guess what - everyone knew they were for him and never questioned selling them to a 10 year old. Now THAT is a small town grocery store :)
Anyways, Walt's is great. I like the small town atmosphere, even if it does come at a small price premium. But there are a couple unique pieces about a small community grocery store that are very differnt from the Super Wal-Marts that also encapsulate the suburbs. Most of the checkers working the registers have worked there for many years. It isn't a job to just pay the bills, it's a career. Some of these older ladies have probably worked at the same register - 25 or 30 years - At Least! Some are very nice - others....not so much :) The grumpiness has set it on some of them....and you better know what they're asking you before they ask it, or beware, your bananas may be smashed under your canned goods!
Well, last week was a normal Monday 'after work' adventure. We went to Walt's to stock up on our perishables: lettuce, strawberries, bananas, apples, and clementines. Got a few gallons of organic milk and cottage cheese - and we were quickly on our way out to check out in record time. Well, what happened next made time stand still.... I'm actually happy I can reflect on it a week later and laugh. Because, well, I wanted to go straight into a hole.
The twins were ahead of me and walked up to the grocery belt as I pulled the cart up. Before she could ask 'Paper or Plastic?' - I looked up to see Madyson gasp. I then glanced at the older lady working the cash register to be slightly baffled myself. In front of me was a woman in her mid to late 60s with dyed orange hair. You know - the bad 'red' color that someone probably did themselved that turned Orange.....and she has it re-set/curled/washed once a week. And then - she had plucked all of her eyebrows out. Now, that's fine, but in their replacement, she actually colored in a brow - that was ORANGE! The same color as her hair! Her makeup was overly extravagant and shocking. To any adult, we could think all of these thoughts to ourselves....but keep a great poker face. Sometimes courageous adults try to capture strange and disturbing images via a cell phone cameras. Some times others just call a BFF to share the story once they leave the store. Not a five year old. Five year olds GASP....and GASP is what she did.
Luckily for me, Kaiden was overly absorbed in the candy shelves, which actually worked great. In the fury of what was about to happen next, I did not attempt to take a photo. However, I think I found an image that will help you with your visualization process. She most resembled something along the lines of:
Yep - that IS GASP material. As soon as she did - and glanced at me- I knew we were doomed. In a not-quiet - not-discrete fashion, Madsyon says:
Mommy....Why didn't you tell me today was "Dress as a Clown Day" at the Grocery Store? It's almost Easter, not Halloween!Time stood still. I did my best to bring her as close to me as quickly as possible. In the process, more questions came spewing from her mouth.
- Why are her eyebrows orange?
- You taught me to put makeup on Mommy....and that is NOT how you put makeup on!
- Does she have a mask on?
- Orange and Pink are my favorte colors too!
I quickly - in my mom 'cat like' instincts, grab each of their necks, kinda of like a mother cat carries her kittens, but with my thumb and forefingers instead - and instruct them to both be quiet or else 'No Easter For You!' (I don't know about any other parents out there, but in our house, we tend to use empty threats tied to the next opportunity for fun. Last week it was....'Do this OR ELSE....no Easter Egg Hunt'. Today we're saying: 'Do this OR ELSE....no going to Aunt Pam's this weekend!'...).
Just in that moment, I look up to imagine the old woman in tears and her fake lashes sagging - or with fists pulled ready to put me - 'Mother of the Year' - in my place, but instead, I saw her on her cell phone. She quickly hung up and apologized to me. She said her phone rung and she had to take it....and guess what - SHE MISSED EVERYTHING!
That's when the heavens parted and all I heard was:
...and I SWEAR white doves were floating in the air!
So, we made it out...safe and sound. Well, the people in line heard the fiasco. But heaven fobid - I did NOT make eye contact with them at all! We had a nice long talk in the car. Again....this two minute talk turned into twenty minutes quite easily. I think they understand now how people are different and we have to be able to anticipate these things without hurting people's feelings. Lucky for all those involved that that little cell phone rang. If not, having smashed bananas would have been the least of my troubles :)
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