In-Church Discipline - A Guide on what NOT to do.

Easter Sunday at Church - one that you prepare for - for weeks!  What outfit to wear.  How to dress your children.  How early to get there to save seats.  But, we were blind sighted by the one facet that seemed to hit us just as we were standing up to walk to the communion line - expectations of 5 year olds!

We go to a Lutheran Church near our home.  We usually attend the 9:30 service in which Sunday School is at the exact same time.  It works out great for us - we get to actually LISTEN to the sermon and the kiddos get to learn and have fun in Sunday School at the same time!  Perfect!  They have been going to Sunday School since they turned 3 years old - so pretty perfect set up.  Prior to that, we put them in the Church 'Nursery' (aka...babysitting) where they played and interacted with other toddlers/babies for the hour time period....down the hall from the sanctuary.  Don't get me wrong, they have also been in church many times: Ash Wednesday, Christmas Eve, Lenten services, Easter, Weddings, days they sing in church (during later services after Sunday School) - but these are few and far between.  It is often enough that when we tell them they are sitting in the church with us, that they beeline for the 'bags of books' and booster seats for kiddos....that they can carry into church.  The bags really help occupy the time and keeps them entertained.  Until....you are in church at Easter and have passed the threshold of acceptable time, sitting in one spot.  Sometime yesterday morning, around 11:50am,  we hit that mark, and we fell off the cliff.

Easter is one of the WORST times for something like this to happen.  EVERYONE IS AT CHURCH - in fact, I think I can pinpoint the groups into 4 different categories:

• The traditional churchgoers who go nearly every week (we fit here...'mostly')
• The extended family of the traditional churchgoer who is visiting for the weekend.
• The people who only come on major Christian Holidays (Easter, Christmas, family Baptisms, Weddings) or back when home from college.
• People in the neighborhood who NEVER go to church but decide to go on Easter for the first time, or maybe just since last Easter.  And this is the church they come to - since that is the church that is close to their house.

So, 98% of the year when it isn't a major religious holiday, and our children are in church, I find myself more at comfort, since I'm dealing with Group 1stated above.  If my children act up, they 'get' it.  They expect me to 'shh' them, take them aside, and watch me utter slight threats from my mouth.  They usually come to my side at the pew after church and say something like "Oh....I know it's rough now, but soak up this time.  These challenges at 5 are wonderful....just wait till you have a teenager like me!".  I really can't imagine that type of struggle, as this current one of mine is difficult enough, but it gives me a sense of calmness and understanding.  The pat on the shoulder that says

'It's ok....I understand...I've been there....Good Job....and Stay Strong Mom!'

Well, Easter is 'different'.  Groups 2-4 are there.  Yep, Grandma and Grandpa from downstate - aunts/uncles/cousins, church family you haven't seen in a year, and people you have never seen before.  They don't know you or your kids.  They also don't know the RIDICULOUS amounts of sugar or chocolate your child has ingested in the morning already, and the night before.  This is what I call the perfect storm of Christian public perception:  Invite tons of people to one church, make the service last 50% longer than normal church services, dress up in uncomfortable clothing, ingest large amounts of sugar which has had time to deeply effect both mind and body of all involved, and ask everyone to BE QUIET!

Well - let me 'break it down' so you can really understand the chain of events in our 'perfect storm'.  What gets me....is that I 'Know' better - seriously.  I know what I should have done to prevent this....but was so wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of the weekend that I didn't.  In my GECC parent academy classes over the last year, I have practiced the art of planning in advance ("positive guidance") and scaffolding on positive ideas to prevent negative outcomes.  My only excuse for not following thru in this is one reason:  The CANDY had also gotten to me....per THIS problem!   There was no preplanned discussions on the way to act in church....and no preparations to talk about:

• Our family is all here - be good!
• Strangers are here today - be good!
• We don't talk loud in church - ever!
• We do WHATEVER mommy and daddy tell us to do - no exceptions!

So....without positive guidance, at approximately 11:50am, the ship of 'control' had sailed and we were truly experiencing Revelations - in its true form.  We stood up for our pew's turn in walking to the front for communion.  'Evidently' my daughter, who had already been threatened numerous times by us for talking, complaining, crying, fighting, in her seat over the previous 65 minutes, decides she is NOT going.  My husband picks her up and I walk with Kaiden to the line in the aisle and she kicks and screams in Chris's arms and says

'I don't want to go....I want to go home....I don't want to be at church!'

THEN...yes - THEN - she finds a way to escape Chris's arms and runs to the back of the church.  So, I then turn around with Kaiden and walk quickly to the back of the church as well.  Keep in mind, I was already nearly to the front and NOW there were about 150 sets of eyes on us....where at least 80% are those groups 2-4.  Lovely...Lovely.  "Don't make eye contact with ANYONE" I thought.  There are some of those Group 1's that 'get it' and understand, but I felt like - at that moment - I was getting the most glaring look from everyone.  I was embarrassed and horrified.  Seriously - we were at church, on EASTER, and my daughter is trying to escape.  Wow....'family of the year'...anyone?!?

My husband was wanting to leave her with a cousin and we would do communion without her.  But then something kicked in....you know - the 'I'm in control and NO 5 year old is going to get her way!' attitude.  Yep....no way did Chris have a chance against THAT attitude.  So, I got in her face, demanded her to 'get into shape', and we marched back into church, down the aisle, and took communion with the last batch of parishioners.  Again, 150 sets of eyes lasering in on my back.  She sulked and sobbed the entire time....even as Pastor blessed her on her forehead.  We walked back to our pew and again, heads down - no eye contact. 

Of course, after church, this wonderful 'Group 1' woman approached me and said the common 'Oh, they are so big and cute these days, don't stress out - they're too cute to get mad at'... WHAT?!?  I felt like it was the North vs. South and I'm looking for someone to be on my side to fight the 'Battle of Madyson' - but she didn't seem to be on the same wavelength as me. In reality, I don't think she really thought it was a big deal.  Maybe not to others too?  In my mind frame, the world was collapsing around itself.  But maybe....just maybe....people do 'get it'.  In mean, it's true that we have all been children before and some of us have raised children as well.  We know how 'they' can be....good and bad.  Maybe the church ISN'T mailing me my revocation of membership forms just yet?

I don't know.  Hindsight is 20/20.  I should have exercised positive guidance in the car...setting limits and expectations.  I maybe should have not made her come up to communion to sacrifice the drama.  I also maybe should bring my kids to church more to practice these expectations.  All I do know is that this parenting game is difficult - but seriously, Chocolate and Sugar should NOT be mixed with already complicated situations.  The world collapses.  Next year, no candy till church is OVER.  PERIOD!

The 'Before' Picture.  Before Church....high on chocolate.  The 'After' picture was never taken.  Headband would be disheveled....puffy eyes....and possibly a missing bracelet.